It's Sunday morning, and the weather is beautiful. Spring is finally here. I am feeling inspired. So much has happened over the past several months, and I am finally having the chance to sit down and reflect.
I am approaching another big transition in life. I am graduating from a nursing doctoral program in May, and I recently graduated from a 200 hour yoga teacher training. Needless to say, I've been busy.
I regret not writing about my yoga training experience as it was happening. It was a beautiful adventure, and allowed me to fulfill a longstanding desire to become a yoga instructor. I will share the deepest, most joyful experience and realization that I had during this training. I was reminded of the beauty of practicing a yogic lifestyle. It is not as hard as it seems! Yogic lifestyle, even here in America, is a simple lifestyle that is largely focused on cultivating something deeper. The beauty lies in the fact that yoga philosophy provides for us the structure to live this type of life! It taught me and reminded me that spiritual life engages the soul, the mind, and the body, and that none of these aspects are mutually exclusive. Sometimes I compartmentalize spiritual life and material life, but that does not have to be the case.
Below is a great site that outlines the 8 limbs of yoga. The first two limbs break down even further. My teachers taught me that these limbs, the Yamas and Niyamas, go into more depth about how to relate to the external world, and internal world, respectively. These 8 limbs provide very practical values and principles to imbibe. Don't let the Sanskrit words intimidate you!! :) If we slowly begin to cultivate these into our lives, we will notice a consciousness shift. I have! The best part is that it does not require us to renounce everything and move out into the wilderness - we can work these into our daily lives!
8 Limbs of Yoga
Please check it out!
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Friday, September 5, 2014
To New Beginnings!
So much has been happening over the past several months, and it recently occurred to me that not only am I experiencing new beginnings, but many others in my life are too!
I wanted to take some time out to acknowledge this point. I find it to be something special. Relationships, weddings, initiations, school, and all sorts of personal endeavors have been happening around me. It's exciting. A couple weeks ago I was sitting with the feeling of something new blossoming and developing, within myself, but also with others around me. I was trying to understand it from a spiritual perspective and also venture away from a cliche interpretation of rebirth and renewal.
I came up with a couple reflections and meditations. The first is that cliche's are typically accurate. That is why they become cliche's. The idea of rebirth and renewal is something that I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life. Such positive feelings are associated with this sentiment. Sometimes I get so caught up in overworking and worrying, that I need to take a step back and admire what God has placed before me. It's easy to see something nice come my way and to look at it as nothing more than a passing billboard on the highway of life. Where am I going?
I've found that it's so important to recognize grace as it comes. That statement also sounds cliche, but in our society I believe that this practice is an austerity. It's actually hard. I've noticed that I've gotten so used to things going wrong or having anxieties tearing at my consciousness, that sometimes I forget it's OK to be happy. It's amazing how society and people are programmed to project this mood of "go, go, go - achieve, achieve, achieve" to the point where it becomes reckless. I see myself become reckless. The excitement I've been experiencing lately has been serving as a reminder that it's OK to slow down and acknowledge the good in life. I can be genuinely happy and not lose my ability to succeed.
Another reflection I had was in relating my current situation with where I was a year ago. My internal state was very different. I was going through a lot of transition and intensity. There's so much to learn about our spirituality in times of distress, but when things are going well, it's easier to forget about the real goal. At the same time, we are experiencing relief. So I wonder what to make of these fluctuations? How do I allow myself to move in and out of these states of distress and happiness without losing my balance?
One realization I had was that first and foremost, we have to accept that we experience both of these extremes in our lives. When we are inclined to feel happy and fulfilled, we have to allow ourselves to be immersed in it. Likewise, when we are inclined to feel distressed and sad, we have to allow ourselves to feel that way too. The catch is not to get stuck. We tend to get stuck in one extreme or the other out of fear. Fear of what? I have to think that it's fear of losing our grounding or our sense of reality as we've always known it. Part of developing real faith is developing the understanding that the way we perceive reality is minute and distorted compared to the actual reality that Krishna creates. What I mean by that is that we tend to hold on to ideas of what's going on and how things are, and we also believe that due to our understanding we are able to grasp and conquer aspects of our life. I'm sure we can all relate to having an experience where "our world was rocked". What allowed for this experience to happen? It was a time when we were faced with the reality that the way we perceive things isn't perfect, or perhaps is totally inaccurate. These moments are a blessing in disguise because they are both humbling and liberating. Sometimes our worlds are rocked in good ways, and other times in bad ways. But I think the most important point is that we understand and anticipate that our worlds will be rocked regularly.
My other realization was pretty simple, but somehow profound to me: God wants us to be happy. Many times things happen in our lives that make us question what God wants for us, but He really does want us to be happy. So when we reach points in our lives where we feel happy, we can remember that this happy situation was a divine set up and an expression of love for us, whether we deserve it or not. Acknowledging Him is the key to our progress and to unlocking Radharani's grace in our lives.
"O son of Kunti, the nonpermanent appearance of happiness and distress, and their disappearance in due course, are like the appearance and disappearance of winter and summer seasons. They arise from sense perception, O scion of Bharata, and one must learn to tolerate them without being disturbed." - Bhagavad Gita, 2.14
I wanted to take some time out to acknowledge this point. I find it to be something special. Relationships, weddings, initiations, school, and all sorts of personal endeavors have been happening around me. It's exciting. A couple weeks ago I was sitting with the feeling of something new blossoming and developing, within myself, but also with others around me. I was trying to understand it from a spiritual perspective and also venture away from a cliche interpretation of rebirth and renewal.
I came up with a couple reflections and meditations. The first is that cliche's are typically accurate. That is why they become cliche's. The idea of rebirth and renewal is something that I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life. Such positive feelings are associated with this sentiment. Sometimes I get so caught up in overworking and worrying, that I need to take a step back and admire what God has placed before me. It's easy to see something nice come my way and to look at it as nothing more than a passing billboard on the highway of life. Where am I going?
I've found that it's so important to recognize grace as it comes. That statement also sounds cliche, but in our society I believe that this practice is an austerity. It's actually hard. I've noticed that I've gotten so used to things going wrong or having anxieties tearing at my consciousness, that sometimes I forget it's OK to be happy. It's amazing how society and people are programmed to project this mood of "go, go, go - achieve, achieve, achieve" to the point where it becomes reckless. I see myself become reckless. The excitement I've been experiencing lately has been serving as a reminder that it's OK to slow down and acknowledge the good in life. I can be genuinely happy and not lose my ability to succeed.
Another reflection I had was in relating my current situation with where I was a year ago. My internal state was very different. I was going through a lot of transition and intensity. There's so much to learn about our spirituality in times of distress, but when things are going well, it's easier to forget about the real goal. At the same time, we are experiencing relief. So I wonder what to make of these fluctuations? How do I allow myself to move in and out of these states of distress and happiness without losing my balance?
One realization I had was that first and foremost, we have to accept that we experience both of these extremes in our lives. When we are inclined to feel happy and fulfilled, we have to allow ourselves to be immersed in it. Likewise, when we are inclined to feel distressed and sad, we have to allow ourselves to feel that way too. The catch is not to get stuck. We tend to get stuck in one extreme or the other out of fear. Fear of what? I have to think that it's fear of losing our grounding or our sense of reality as we've always known it. Part of developing real faith is developing the understanding that the way we perceive reality is minute and distorted compared to the actual reality that Krishna creates. What I mean by that is that we tend to hold on to ideas of what's going on and how things are, and we also believe that due to our understanding we are able to grasp and conquer aspects of our life. I'm sure we can all relate to having an experience where "our world was rocked". What allowed for this experience to happen? It was a time when we were faced with the reality that the way we perceive things isn't perfect, or perhaps is totally inaccurate. These moments are a blessing in disguise because they are both humbling and liberating. Sometimes our worlds are rocked in good ways, and other times in bad ways. But I think the most important point is that we understand and anticipate that our worlds will be rocked regularly.
My other realization was pretty simple, but somehow profound to me: God wants us to be happy. Many times things happen in our lives that make us question what God wants for us, but He really does want us to be happy. So when we reach points in our lives where we feel happy, we can remember that this happy situation was a divine set up and an expression of love for us, whether we deserve it or not. Acknowledging Him is the key to our progress and to unlocking Radharani's grace in our lives.
"O son of Kunti, the nonpermanent appearance of happiness and distress, and their disappearance in due course, are like the appearance and disappearance of winter and summer seasons. They arise from sense perception, O scion of Bharata, and one must learn to tolerate them without being disturbed." - Bhagavad Gita, 2.14
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Reflections from Sadhu Sanga
I had the privilege of attending the Sadhu Sanga Retreat in North Carolina this past Memorial Day weekend. It was my first time attending this retreat - I was excited and eager to attend. The college semester had just ended, and I was ready to get away and take an opportunity to nourish my spiritual life.
Whenever I have these kinds of opportunities, I go in actively seeking the feeling of connection, grounding, and fulfillment and I have a strong desire to become fully immersed in the mood of devotion. But, what generally winds up happening is that the experience of connection turns into meeting and catching up with everyone that I have not seen in months/years, grounding turns into early bed times, naps or sleeping in, and fulfillment occurs every 4 hours as the result of yet another "sumptuous" prasadam feast ;)
What I found, though, is that eventually the dust settles, and we are able achieve the more meditative mood we had intended to keep.
There is actually nothing in the world like partaking in this kind of spiritual event, to recharge us and reorient our spiritual compass. I was able to connect to the Holy name on a deeper level, and I was able to take away a couple lessons. My consciousness was shifted, even if ever so slightly.
I attended Bhagavatam class Saturday morning, given by Radhanath Swami, and even though I was tired and falling asleep in class (God help me), I was able to grasp two points that set the tone for my entire weekend: Humility and Values.
Maharaja talked about humility as the access point to the grace of God. This point added to and expanded upon a meditation I had been contemplating all week. The Tuesday before the retreat, I attended a class at the Bhakti Center, given by Dhanurdhara Swami, and he spoke about developing self-confidence and humility. One definition of humility he gave was that a humble person understands that there is a higher purpose occurring beyond what is happening in that person's life at a particular time. With this consciousness, we can actually remove ourselves from the center of our inner world, where we can begin to understand and accept what occurs in our lives, becoming less cynical and more giving. This idea piggybacks on another lesson I was recently taught by a motivational speaker whom I had the privilege to hear from. One of this speaker's catch phrases was (something along the lines of), "don't blame others for being the instrument of your karma". Yet again, realizing this statement is very humbling, because it shifts our mentality regarding what happens to us in our daily lives. It emphasizes that nothing is done to us, but that these negative (or even positive) experiences were coming to us regardless of who, what, or how - due to our own accumulation of good or bad deeds. This is actually a fact, which I have been trying to understand, and this tone was reset for me by Radhanath Swami's class.
The other take away from Saturday morning's class that set the tone for my weekend was Mahraja's plea to us to reassess the values in our lives. It struck me as interesting that he consciously emphasized this point while addressing a group of people who had already sacrificed their Memorial Day weekend to travel to NC and attend this retreat. One reaction to his plea could have been, "well Maharaja, isn't it clear what our values are? All of us are already here. Maybe this request may be more appropriate for those who are busy doing other things this weekend, things separate from spiritual life." But what I realized is that actually we, at the retreat, were exactly the people who needed to hear that instruction. Even though we decided to take the time to travel and see these great personalities, immerse ourselves in kirtan, and attempt to be more devotional - how often are we really doing this for ourselves? How can we carry this experience beyond the weekend and into our daily lives? It can be easy to view a weekend like this as an escape from reality, a break from the daily grind, and something that is like any ordinary vacation. Our temptation is to enjoy the weekend and then go back to our "real lives" where there are responsibilities and stressors, and where spiritual life has to take a back seat in order for us to keep on top of everything. But actually this mindset is wrong, and an indication of how much we are in illusion. It's hard for me to even write that statement, because it really illuminates my own lack of perception and lack of faith in the fact that Krishna is our sole maintainer. I consistently act against this idea, and it disgusts me to see how little faith I have. I was reflecting about this level of faith and surrender just a few weeks ago, around the time of the appearance day of Lord Nrsimha. Radhanath Swami gave class on Tuesday and then again on Thursday, where he emphasized the role of Prahlada Maharaja in the story of Lord Nrsimhadeva's appearance. He was stressing how completely surrendered little Prahlada was to the Lord, and how his faith was so strong that he was completely unaffected by so many things. He faced so much abuse as punishment for preaching the glories of God. When I hear stories of great saints surviving severe physical beatings and abuse, it is unfathomable to me. I just listen to the story, but usually cannot imagine anything that brutal actually occurring. But - a piece of the story that I was able to grasp and process in relation to my own position was when Prahlada Maharaja says with great faith that his God resides everywhere, even in a pillar. He has so much conviction, so much realization of God's greatness, power and love for His Devotees, that he knows with certainty that God is in that pillar. A pillar. And Prahlada responds this way as the result of a direct threat on his life. His father is about to slaughter him, and his faith does not sway. Who does that - who has that faith?! I was extremely humbled to reflect on the fact that, as much as I want to believe that I have equal faith in God, I don't think I could say that God is in that pillar. And even if I did, I know it would be out of principle - not out of true faith. It's a sad realization to have when I am trying to project externally that I am dedicated and surrendered. I have my altar in my room, I dress in devotional attire with tilak on my head and my japa bag around my neck - but in Bhagavatam it says that decorating a hand with jewels and bangles that is not being used in service of the Lord is like decorating a carcass, and has no beauty at all. So, where is our faith? Where are our values? And what is the eternal reality of our situation?... When will we realize and understand the urgency? One of my very close friends shared with me that she felt the sense of urgency as a result of attending the retreat. I appreciated the reminder and felt very inspired by that realization.
And so these thoughts floated through my head as a I sat in kirtan. Limited times, by the Lord's grace, I was able to become immersed and overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude. Most times, I sat there trying to stay focused, and hoping that if I just continue trying and putting my body through the motions, that one day I might feel something. But I wanted to write, as an exercise, and reflect on the little bit I gained this weekend and try to set the intention of carrying these lessons into my daily life, more permanently than before, and to try and take these opportunities as much as possible henceforward to become immersed in a devotional environment. But mostly, I want to remember that it is by God's grace alone that I am able to do anything and everything, and that I am responsible for nothing on my own.
Whenever I have these kinds of opportunities, I go in actively seeking the feeling of connection, grounding, and fulfillment and I have a strong desire to become fully immersed in the mood of devotion. But, what generally winds up happening is that the experience of connection turns into meeting and catching up with everyone that I have not seen in months/years, grounding turns into early bed times, naps or sleeping in, and fulfillment occurs every 4 hours as the result of yet another "sumptuous" prasadam feast ;)
What I found, though, is that eventually the dust settles, and we are able achieve the more meditative mood we had intended to keep.
There is actually nothing in the world like partaking in this kind of spiritual event, to recharge us and reorient our spiritual compass. I was able to connect to the Holy name on a deeper level, and I was able to take away a couple lessons. My consciousness was shifted, even if ever so slightly.
I attended Bhagavatam class Saturday morning, given by Radhanath Swami, and even though I was tired and falling asleep in class (God help me), I was able to grasp two points that set the tone for my entire weekend: Humility and Values.
Maharaja talked about humility as the access point to the grace of God. This point added to and expanded upon a meditation I had been contemplating all week. The Tuesday before the retreat, I attended a class at the Bhakti Center, given by Dhanurdhara Swami, and he spoke about developing self-confidence and humility. One definition of humility he gave was that a humble person understands that there is a higher purpose occurring beyond what is happening in that person's life at a particular time. With this consciousness, we can actually remove ourselves from the center of our inner world, where we can begin to understand and accept what occurs in our lives, becoming less cynical and more giving. This idea piggybacks on another lesson I was recently taught by a motivational speaker whom I had the privilege to hear from. One of this speaker's catch phrases was (something along the lines of), "don't blame others for being the instrument of your karma". Yet again, realizing this statement is very humbling, because it shifts our mentality regarding what happens to us in our daily lives. It emphasizes that nothing is done to us, but that these negative (or even positive) experiences were coming to us regardless of who, what, or how - due to our own accumulation of good or bad deeds. This is actually a fact, which I have been trying to understand, and this tone was reset for me by Radhanath Swami's class.
The other take away from Saturday morning's class that set the tone for my weekend was Mahraja's plea to us to reassess the values in our lives. It struck me as interesting that he consciously emphasized this point while addressing a group of people who had already sacrificed their Memorial Day weekend to travel to NC and attend this retreat. One reaction to his plea could have been, "well Maharaja, isn't it clear what our values are? All of us are already here. Maybe this request may be more appropriate for those who are busy doing other things this weekend, things separate from spiritual life." But what I realized is that actually we, at the retreat, were exactly the people who needed to hear that instruction. Even though we decided to take the time to travel and see these great personalities, immerse ourselves in kirtan, and attempt to be more devotional - how often are we really doing this for ourselves? How can we carry this experience beyond the weekend and into our daily lives? It can be easy to view a weekend like this as an escape from reality, a break from the daily grind, and something that is like any ordinary vacation. Our temptation is to enjoy the weekend and then go back to our "real lives" where there are responsibilities and stressors, and where spiritual life has to take a back seat in order for us to keep on top of everything. But actually this mindset is wrong, and an indication of how much we are in illusion. It's hard for me to even write that statement, because it really illuminates my own lack of perception and lack of faith in the fact that Krishna is our sole maintainer. I consistently act against this idea, and it disgusts me to see how little faith I have. I was reflecting about this level of faith and surrender just a few weeks ago, around the time of the appearance day of Lord Nrsimha. Radhanath Swami gave class on Tuesday and then again on Thursday, where he emphasized the role of Prahlada Maharaja in the story of Lord Nrsimhadeva's appearance. He was stressing how completely surrendered little Prahlada was to the Lord, and how his faith was so strong that he was completely unaffected by so many things. He faced so much abuse as punishment for preaching the glories of God. When I hear stories of great saints surviving severe physical beatings and abuse, it is unfathomable to me. I just listen to the story, but usually cannot imagine anything that brutal actually occurring. But - a piece of the story that I was able to grasp and process in relation to my own position was when Prahlada Maharaja says with great faith that his God resides everywhere, even in a pillar. He has so much conviction, so much realization of God's greatness, power and love for His Devotees, that he knows with certainty that God is in that pillar. A pillar. And Prahlada responds this way as the result of a direct threat on his life. His father is about to slaughter him, and his faith does not sway. Who does that - who has that faith?! I was extremely humbled to reflect on the fact that, as much as I want to believe that I have equal faith in God, I don't think I could say that God is in that pillar. And even if I did, I know it would be out of principle - not out of true faith. It's a sad realization to have when I am trying to project externally that I am dedicated and surrendered. I have my altar in my room, I dress in devotional attire with tilak on my head and my japa bag around my neck - but in Bhagavatam it says that decorating a hand with jewels and bangles that is not being used in service of the Lord is like decorating a carcass, and has no beauty at all. So, where is our faith? Where are our values? And what is the eternal reality of our situation?... When will we realize and understand the urgency? One of my very close friends shared with me that she felt the sense of urgency as a result of attending the retreat. I appreciated the reminder and felt very inspired by that realization.
And so these thoughts floated through my head as a I sat in kirtan. Limited times, by the Lord's grace, I was able to become immersed and overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude. Most times, I sat there trying to stay focused, and hoping that if I just continue trying and putting my body through the motions, that one day I might feel something. But I wanted to write, as an exercise, and reflect on the little bit I gained this weekend and try to set the intention of carrying these lessons into my daily life, more permanently than before, and to try and take these opportunities as much as possible henceforward to become immersed in a devotional environment. But mostly, I want to remember that it is by God's grace alone that I am able to do anything and everything, and that I am responsible for nothing on my own.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Facing Material Addiction
More than once I've heard, from spiritual classes and from psychotherapy supervision, that we all have addictions. And more than once I've been around and participated in conversations where there was discussion about what consitutes an "addiction", and at what point it crosses the threshold of normalcy into a diagnosable problem. One conclusion that I've heard discussed is that for some reason society accepts certain addictions and rejects others, and some addictions just remain very well hidden. Addictions to money, position, possessions, etc. are acknowledged by society as normal or even favorable, whereas addictions to substances, sex and gambling are indications for intense treatment and recovery efforts. Another debate arises around determining the point at which substance use, for instance, is a problem. 2-3 drinks per week is considered acceptable and normal, but having 5 or more means it's time to reevaluate the situation. Or, 7-10 drinks per week is fine as long as work and relationships are not affected... There is so much grey in this area.
What has inspired me to write on this topic, though, is a recent realization of the irony in which we all live with regard to addictions. Society tends to frown upon those who have "addictions", as if this classification of people is any different than the rest of us. In terms of material life and material success, this dichotomy does make sense to an extent - because material success is predicated on wealth, family, and position - and these pursuits are considered admirable. But to push our thinking to the next level, the spiritual pursuit actually supersedes all these types of sense gratification. Viewing it this way has made me realize that any material pursuit for pleasure is all on the same level - and it is an addiction. Anything that distracts us from being focused on God 24/7 is a material addiction, and something that actually has the power to destroy our spiritual lives. One discriminating factor, and saving grace, is that there are certain material addictions that we can use in the service of God - and God has instilled in each of us a passion that we can tap into and use in a beautiful service. There are other material addictions that blatantly cannot be used in service and are always detrimental to spiritual life. I want to argue in favor of those who embark to recover from these detrimental addictions.
When someone enters into a 12 step program, the very first step to recovery requires the person to admit he has a problem that he himself cannot overcome, "that our lives have become unmanageable". That's a powerful, humbling statement - very hard to admit. We all want to think we have it under control. What I have been finding is that the majority of us, who do not have such overt addictions, are allowed to remain in the state of mind that tells us that we have a handle on our lives. We are allowed to deny the fact that we have an addiction that is driving us uncontrollably. We all have it. If we didn't, spiritual life would be so easy - we wouldn't be in this material world. But, one thing that I think gets overlooked - and I've seen so many people suffering because of it - is a profound understanding of how addicted we are. We cannot admit that we have an uncontrollable problem. Also, as we pursue our spiritual lives, we actually acquire a scapegoat. We can now fulfill our addictions in the name of God, and derive material happiness from it. But this happiness is still cheap - and ultimately unsustainable. Thus, we see many people fall down. Therefore, I would actually argue that we, who have "normal" addictions, might be in a worse position. We, the normal addicts, are allowed to continue living without challenging our self-serving motivations. I'm sure everyone can relate to this sentiment and has seen someone pursue their own agenda in the name of God. But I've found one of the hardest challenges I've faced is realizing that I am no exception. I am the rule. I hate being the rule. It's really hard sometimes to watch someone do something, or watch some situation play out that truly implicates that person. While others snarl and judge, I hear a voice inside me that says, "I know I'm capable of doing that exact same thing" - and by the grace of God, He's protected me and not subjected me to this kind of exposure and ridicule... and I have choice but to be humbled and grateful.
It is also very scary to know that I have no power to control my addiction - which is why I admire those working the 12 step program so much. It's living with the burden that at any moment, this monster could take over and I could act out of line, and my integrity would be compromised. Admitting to God that He is the only one who can manage us and keep us accountable, and protect us from ourselves is a relinquishment of power that sometimes actually feels wrong, or weak in some way. I battle with this constantly. But, what I have found is some faith in the very famous claim that "God is good". The more willing I am to become completely humiliated and ashamed of myself in front of God, and those who I confide in the most, the more I have realized how much God truly wants to see me happy, and actually shows me love and acceptance. Realizing that we are loved anyway is one of the most deeply fulfilling and enlivening experiences I've had so far in spiritual life. I really hope and pray that God never allows me to fall off His path, and that everyone, especially those already embarking on the journey of spiritual life, can know that it is deep in the darkness where we truly find light - and not to give up on ourselves, because God promises that He is there - He just wants us to see more clearly before revealing the next step of His plan.
What has inspired me to write on this topic, though, is a recent realization of the irony in which we all live with regard to addictions. Society tends to frown upon those who have "addictions", as if this classification of people is any different than the rest of us. In terms of material life and material success, this dichotomy does make sense to an extent - because material success is predicated on wealth, family, and position - and these pursuits are considered admirable. But to push our thinking to the next level, the spiritual pursuit actually supersedes all these types of sense gratification. Viewing it this way has made me realize that any material pursuit for pleasure is all on the same level - and it is an addiction. Anything that distracts us from being focused on God 24/7 is a material addiction, and something that actually has the power to destroy our spiritual lives. One discriminating factor, and saving grace, is that there are certain material addictions that we can use in the service of God - and God has instilled in each of us a passion that we can tap into and use in a beautiful service. There are other material addictions that blatantly cannot be used in service and are always detrimental to spiritual life. I want to argue in favor of those who embark to recover from these detrimental addictions.
When someone enters into a 12 step program, the very first step to recovery requires the person to admit he has a problem that he himself cannot overcome, "that our lives have become unmanageable". That's a powerful, humbling statement - very hard to admit. We all want to think we have it under control. What I have been finding is that the majority of us, who do not have such overt addictions, are allowed to remain in the state of mind that tells us that we have a handle on our lives. We are allowed to deny the fact that we have an addiction that is driving us uncontrollably. We all have it. If we didn't, spiritual life would be so easy - we wouldn't be in this material world. But, one thing that I think gets overlooked - and I've seen so many people suffering because of it - is a profound understanding of how addicted we are. We cannot admit that we have an uncontrollable problem. Also, as we pursue our spiritual lives, we actually acquire a scapegoat. We can now fulfill our addictions in the name of God, and derive material happiness from it. But this happiness is still cheap - and ultimately unsustainable. Thus, we see many people fall down. Therefore, I would actually argue that we, who have "normal" addictions, might be in a worse position. We, the normal addicts, are allowed to continue living without challenging our self-serving motivations. I'm sure everyone can relate to this sentiment and has seen someone pursue their own agenda in the name of God. But I've found one of the hardest challenges I've faced is realizing that I am no exception. I am the rule. I hate being the rule. It's really hard sometimes to watch someone do something, or watch some situation play out that truly implicates that person. While others snarl and judge, I hear a voice inside me that says, "I know I'm capable of doing that exact same thing" - and by the grace of God, He's protected me and not subjected me to this kind of exposure and ridicule... and I have choice but to be humbled and grateful.
It is also very scary to know that I have no power to control my addiction - which is why I admire those working the 12 step program so much. It's living with the burden that at any moment, this monster could take over and I could act out of line, and my integrity would be compromised. Admitting to God that He is the only one who can manage us and keep us accountable, and protect us from ourselves is a relinquishment of power that sometimes actually feels wrong, or weak in some way. I battle with this constantly. But, what I have found is some faith in the very famous claim that "God is good". The more willing I am to become completely humiliated and ashamed of myself in front of God, and those who I confide in the most, the more I have realized how much God truly wants to see me happy, and actually shows me love and acceptance. Realizing that we are loved anyway is one of the most deeply fulfilling and enlivening experiences I've had so far in spiritual life. I really hope and pray that God never allows me to fall off His path, and that everyone, especially those already embarking on the journey of spiritual life, can know that it is deep in the darkness where we truly find light - and not to give up on ourselves, because God promises that He is there - He just wants us to see more clearly before revealing the next step of His plan.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Challenged Faith
Our faith in God is constantly challenged. Challenged, not for the purpose of convincing us that we are wrong for relying on God, but challenged for the purpose of having us realize that in fact we have very little faith in God, and what immense faith we have in our own agenda and what our senses perceive.
I have been developing a conception of God as He exists for me in this material world. Often times I forget that while God is present here, that this world is in fact illusory. It is full of corruption and sorrow. I tend to fall into the trap of wanting to find my home here on Earth, with it "centered" around God. But in actuality the key point and downfall of my thinking is that I am still searching for a home here on Earth. I am not understanding or remembering that I ultimately do not have a home here and that everything external is subjected to the cycle of creation and destruction.
My heart is broken every time I am forced to see and remember that this world is broken. But God has a very sweet way of exposing reality for what it is, and simultaneously showing His presence and love. For the first time in my devotional life, I am learning what it means when we are told to take shelter of Krishna and the devotees. God speaks through those who are devoted to serving Him, and it's really beautiful for me to see just how many people are sincerely trying. I've actually never felt so loved and supported.
This world also serves as a massive mirror into our own consciousness and depth. When we stop and take a snapshot of our current life situation, we see what kind of energy we have attracted into our lives. What makes this experience most interesting is that usually we see both light and darkness. This can be very confusing. I like to see myself as either good, or bad, not both. And I am learning that actually I am both, and more importantly, that I am accepted as both. This is where we learn what unconditional love is. If we are never exposed, then we can never learn what love really is. It has been my experience that God is desperately trying to help us see ourselves as we really are, and learn that we are loved anyway.
When we constantly take inventory of our hearts, our intentions and motivations, we are asking and allowing God to gain deeper access into our lives, and to mold us and guide us a certain way.
But the big challenge that is being asked of us is that we sit in the fire.. and allow ourselves to burn. Our faith becomes even deeper and more convicted when we emerge from the fire alive, reshaped, and ultimately - better.
I have been developing a conception of God as He exists for me in this material world. Often times I forget that while God is present here, that this world is in fact illusory. It is full of corruption and sorrow. I tend to fall into the trap of wanting to find my home here on Earth, with it "centered" around God. But in actuality the key point and downfall of my thinking is that I am still searching for a home here on Earth. I am not understanding or remembering that I ultimately do not have a home here and that everything external is subjected to the cycle of creation and destruction.
My heart is broken every time I am forced to see and remember that this world is broken. But God has a very sweet way of exposing reality for what it is, and simultaneously showing His presence and love. For the first time in my devotional life, I am learning what it means when we are told to take shelter of Krishna and the devotees. God speaks through those who are devoted to serving Him, and it's really beautiful for me to see just how many people are sincerely trying. I've actually never felt so loved and supported.
This world also serves as a massive mirror into our own consciousness and depth. When we stop and take a snapshot of our current life situation, we see what kind of energy we have attracted into our lives. What makes this experience most interesting is that usually we see both light and darkness. This can be very confusing. I like to see myself as either good, or bad, not both. And I am learning that actually I am both, and more importantly, that I am accepted as both. This is where we learn what unconditional love is. If we are never exposed, then we can never learn what love really is. It has been my experience that God is desperately trying to help us see ourselves as we really are, and learn that we are loved anyway.
When we constantly take inventory of our hearts, our intentions and motivations, we are asking and allowing God to gain deeper access into our lives, and to mold us and guide us a certain way.
But the big challenge that is being asked of us is that we sit in the fire.. and allow ourselves to burn. Our faith becomes even deeper and more convicted when we emerge from the fire alive, reshaped, and ultimately - better.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Unveiling Grace
I decided to create a new blog, give it a new name, because in many ways I feel like I am now coming from a totally different perspective. Devotional life begins at your first kirtan, your first book, your first Doughnut Plant experience. But then devotional life begins again. It begins when you reach a point of internal conviction, when you make a promise to God that you are never turning back and you abandon all things standing in your way.. standing between you and God.
In many ways this process continues throughout our lives, but in a very definitive way, at some point we all choose. At some point we understand that there is ultimately nothing else to live for, there is nothing else to pursue, than a relationship with God in the most intimate way possible.
It was once described to me that making a decision quite literally means eliminating all other options. Choosing, or deciding, is as much a positive action in one direction as it is a negating of all other options. It's black and white in that sense, concrete, pointed and clear. Like many of the people closest to me, I have made that decision, to give my life to developing my relationship with God. And making that decision doesn't translate into a renunciation of the woman formerly known as Erin, but it does mean that from now on, I make every effort to listen to God's voice in my heart, and only step in a direction that will lead me closer to Him.
Because of this shift in perspective, the last year and a half of my life has been spent in transition. We all have things, people, positions in our lives that we've become accustomed to leaning on, counted on as security when doubts arise. These "lean-ons" are tangible to us, verifiable through our senses. But, when we decide to let those things go, to try walking without crutches, within our first couple steps we fall down hard. After taking my first few steps, and falling, I stared down at my broken legs in awe.. in shock, and actually in despair.
When we hide behind the veil of "pseudo-independence", thinking that we can manage and even excel in our lives on our own, without God, we are actually sitting in an emptiness that is devoid of any sense of love. Seeing that we live this way is deeply disturbing, and serves as an impetus for change. But, what we don't anticipate is that when we throw the crutches away, instead of standing tall and proud, we realize we never even learned how to stand, let alone walk. We are left in a fairly helpless position. We are left out in the middle of the ocean, out too far from where we came, and not close enough to where we are headed. We start to drown. We start to fight and resist. We grab and reach for anything that might save us.. but if we're lucky, we will be unsuccessful.. and then somehow, we learn to breathe underwater. This analogy of learning to breathe underwater has been presented to me on a few occasions, depicting what it means to surrender to God, and to give up resisting, abandoning our fear of death.
So as I move forward on this journey, I felt that an appropriate title to this blog would be "unveiling grace" because as I try to open my heart to God, each step of the way I am learning that the only reason I have been able to go anywhere or do anything is the grace of God. He is carrying me because my legs are completely broken. But, the harder I fall, the more I begin to understand it's not about my ability to walk.. because this journey is not about me. It's about giving up my independence and depending fully on God to carry me where I need to go.. and learning that through His grace, I acquire new legs that allow me to walk a different path that I would have never walked on my own.
In many ways this process continues throughout our lives, but in a very definitive way, at some point we all choose. At some point we understand that there is ultimately nothing else to live for, there is nothing else to pursue, than a relationship with God in the most intimate way possible.
It was once described to me that making a decision quite literally means eliminating all other options. Choosing, or deciding, is as much a positive action in one direction as it is a negating of all other options. It's black and white in that sense, concrete, pointed and clear. Like many of the people closest to me, I have made that decision, to give my life to developing my relationship with God. And making that decision doesn't translate into a renunciation of the woman formerly known as Erin, but it does mean that from now on, I make every effort to listen to God's voice in my heart, and only step in a direction that will lead me closer to Him.
Because of this shift in perspective, the last year and a half of my life has been spent in transition. We all have things, people, positions in our lives that we've become accustomed to leaning on, counted on as security when doubts arise. These "lean-ons" are tangible to us, verifiable through our senses. But, when we decide to let those things go, to try walking without crutches, within our first couple steps we fall down hard. After taking my first few steps, and falling, I stared down at my broken legs in awe.. in shock, and actually in despair.
When we hide behind the veil of "pseudo-independence", thinking that we can manage and even excel in our lives on our own, without God, we are actually sitting in an emptiness that is devoid of any sense of love. Seeing that we live this way is deeply disturbing, and serves as an impetus for change. But, what we don't anticipate is that when we throw the crutches away, instead of standing tall and proud, we realize we never even learned how to stand, let alone walk. We are left in a fairly helpless position. We are left out in the middle of the ocean, out too far from where we came, and not close enough to where we are headed. We start to drown. We start to fight and resist. We grab and reach for anything that might save us.. but if we're lucky, we will be unsuccessful.. and then somehow, we learn to breathe underwater. This analogy of learning to breathe underwater has been presented to me on a few occasions, depicting what it means to surrender to God, and to give up resisting, abandoning our fear of death.
So as I move forward on this journey, I felt that an appropriate title to this blog would be "unveiling grace" because as I try to open my heart to God, each step of the way I am learning that the only reason I have been able to go anywhere or do anything is the grace of God. He is carrying me because my legs are completely broken. But, the harder I fall, the more I begin to understand it's not about my ability to walk.. because this journey is not about me. It's about giving up my independence and depending fully on God to carry me where I need to go.. and learning that through His grace, I acquire new legs that allow me to walk a different path that I would have never walked on my own.
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