I had the privilege of attending the Sadhu Sanga Retreat in North Carolina this past Memorial Day weekend. It was my first time attending this retreat - I was excited and eager to attend. The college semester had just ended, and I was ready to get away and take an opportunity to nourish my spiritual life.
Whenever I have these kinds of opportunities, I go in actively seeking the feeling of connection, grounding, and fulfillment and I have a strong desire to become fully immersed in the mood of devotion. But, what generally winds up happening is that the experience of connection turns into meeting and catching up with everyone that I have not seen in months/years, grounding turns into early bed times, naps or sleeping in, and fulfillment occurs every 4 hours as the result of yet another "sumptuous" prasadam feast ;)
What I found, though, is that eventually the dust settles, and we are able achieve the more meditative mood we had intended to keep.
There is actually nothing in the world like partaking in this kind of spiritual event, to recharge us and reorient our spiritual compass. I was able to connect to the Holy name on a deeper level, and I was able to take away a couple lessons. My consciousness was shifted, even if ever so slightly.
I attended Bhagavatam class Saturday morning, given by Radhanath Swami, and even though I was tired and falling asleep in class (God help me), I was able to grasp two points that set the tone for my entire weekend: Humility and Values.
Maharaja talked about humility as the access point to the grace of God. This point added to and expanded upon a meditation I had been contemplating all week. The Tuesday before the retreat, I attended a class at the Bhakti Center, given by Dhanurdhara Swami, and he spoke about developing self-confidence and humility. One definition of humility he gave was that a humble person understands that there is a higher purpose occurring beyond what is happening in that person's life at a particular time. With this consciousness, we can actually remove ourselves from the center of our inner world, where we can begin to understand and accept what occurs in our lives, becoming less cynical and more giving. This idea piggybacks on another lesson I was recently taught by a motivational speaker whom I had the privilege to hear from. One of this speaker's catch phrases was (something along the lines of), "don't blame others for being the instrument of your karma". Yet again, realizing this statement is very humbling, because it shifts our mentality regarding what happens to us in our daily lives. It emphasizes that nothing is done to us, but that these negative (or even positive) experiences were coming to us regardless of who, what, or how - due to our own accumulation of good or bad deeds. This is actually a fact, which I have been trying to understand, and this tone was reset for me by Radhanath Swami's class.
The other take away from Saturday morning's class that set the tone for my weekend was Mahraja's plea to us to reassess the values in our lives. It struck me as interesting that he consciously emphasized this point while addressing a group of people who had already sacrificed their Memorial Day weekend to travel to NC and attend this retreat. One reaction to his plea could have been, "well Maharaja, isn't it clear what our values are? All of us are already here. Maybe this request may be more appropriate for those who are busy doing other things this weekend, things separate from spiritual life." But what I realized is that actually we, at the retreat, were exactly the people who needed to hear that instruction. Even though we decided to take the time to travel and see these great personalities, immerse ourselves in kirtan, and attempt to be more devotional - how often are we really doing this for ourselves? How can we carry this experience beyond the weekend and into our daily lives? It can be easy to view a weekend like this as an escape from reality, a break from the daily grind, and something that is like any ordinary vacation. Our temptation is to enjoy the weekend and then go back to our "real lives" where there are responsibilities and stressors, and where spiritual life has to take a back seat in order for us to keep on top of everything. But actually this mindset is wrong, and an indication of how much we are in illusion. It's hard for me to even write that statement, because it really illuminates my own lack of perception and lack of faith in the fact that Krishna is our sole maintainer. I consistently act against this idea, and it disgusts me to see how little faith I have. I was reflecting about this level of faith and surrender just a few weeks ago, around the time of the appearance day of Lord Nrsimha. Radhanath Swami gave class on Tuesday and then again on Thursday, where he emphasized the role of Prahlada Maharaja in the story of Lord Nrsimhadeva's appearance. He was stressing how completely surrendered little Prahlada was to the Lord, and how his faith was so strong that he was completely unaffected by so many things. He faced so much abuse as punishment for preaching the glories of God. When I hear stories of great saints surviving severe physical beatings and abuse, it is unfathomable to me. I just listen to the story, but usually cannot imagine anything that brutal actually occurring. But - a piece of the story that I was able to grasp and process in relation to my own position was when Prahlada Maharaja says with great faith that his God resides everywhere, even in a pillar. He has so much conviction, so much realization of God's greatness, power and love for His Devotees, that he knows with certainty that God is in that pillar. A pillar. And Prahlada responds this way as the result of a direct threat on his life. His father is about to slaughter him, and his faith does not sway. Who does that - who has that faith?! I was extremely humbled to reflect on the fact that, as much as I want to believe that I have equal faith in God, I don't think I could say that God is in that pillar. And even if I did, I know it would be out of principle - not out of true faith. It's a sad realization to have when I am trying to project externally that I am dedicated and surrendered. I have my altar in my room, I dress in devotional attire with tilak on my head and my japa bag around my neck - but in Bhagavatam it says that decorating a hand with jewels and bangles that is not being used in service of the Lord is like decorating a carcass, and has no beauty at all. So, where is our faith? Where are our values? And what is the eternal reality of our situation?... When will we realize and understand the urgency? One of my very close friends shared with me that she felt the sense of urgency as a result of attending the retreat. I appreciated the reminder and felt very inspired by that realization.
And so these thoughts floated through my head as a I sat in kirtan. Limited times, by the Lord's grace, I was able to become immersed and overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude. Most times, I sat there trying to stay focused, and hoping that if I just continue trying and putting my body through the motions, that one day I might feel something. But I wanted to write, as an exercise, and reflect on the little bit I gained this weekend and try to set the intention of carrying these lessons into my daily life, more permanently than before, and to try and take these opportunities as much as possible henceforward to become immersed in a devotional environment. But mostly, I want to remember that it is by God's grace alone that I am able to do anything and everything, and that I am responsible for nothing on my own.
:)
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